Sometimes you come across a blog that is so hilarious, you have to share it when it relates to your own material. Names are words and words are names, so I give you: Stupid Nail Polish Names.
The blogger (whose name isn’t disclosed) writes about exactly what you would think… the ridiculous, poorly punctuated, and sometimes completely racist names given to nail polishes. The blogger covers a variety of different brands, but I chose 13 of my favorites from O-P-I, one of the best known names in the nail polish game.
The commentary makes me laugh out loud every time, so the excerpts you will see below are all from SNPN. Enjoy!
Lemonade Stand By Your Man
“Honey, let me give you a little advice. If you are having issues with your man, you might want to consider whether they spring from the fact that you appear to be the owner and operator of a lemonade stand, a time-honored profession practiced primarily by eight-year-olds. Statistically speaking, this means that your man is probably either a pre-teen or a pedophile.”
I’m Not Really A Waitress
“That’s right, honey, you’re a nail polish.”
Give Me Moor!
“Wow, really? Really? How did nobody’s offensiveness radar go off when you named a nail polish after a race of people, colored it to approximate their skin tone, and then asked to possess them?”
Deer Valley Spice
“Here is a list of things that should be named “Deer Valley Spice”:
1) A scented candle used in a hunting lodge
2) The mildly scandalous gossip column on the back page of a Massachusetts preparatory school newspaper
3) The cologne dabbed behind the ear of an ever-so-smooth 46-year-old gentleman as he prepares to head out to the local bar with all the temptingly tipsy co-eds
4) An exotic blend of seven different kinds of pepper that you buy at Williams Sonoma because it’s only $8.95 and you just know it will give your arugula salad that little extra something, but no matter how hard you strain your taste buds, it just tastes like regular pepper, and then you realize that you don’t even like arugula
5) The racy series of novels that results when the Sweet Valley twins grow up to find that the Unicorn Club has developed into a prostitution ring…but can Elizabeth’s journalistic skills save the day?
This nail polish, however, is none of these things. Nor is it remotely near the color of a deer, a valley, or any spice found in nature.”
Miso Happy With This Color
“This name is pretty subtle, so let me break it down for you. You see, “miso” sounds like “me so,” which is what all Asian people say instead of the grammatically correct “I’m so.” Man, sometimes people who grow up speaking a different language don’t have a perfect grasp of English. Ha ha, I sure love to laugh at them for trying!
Also, I love how in classic OPI style, randomly inserting the name of a soup (a soup that is not even remotely the same color as this nail polish, I feel obliged to pedantically point out) makes this a brilliant pun.”
Friar, Friar, Pants on Fire!
“However, I have to question the accuracy of this particular polish name. Do friars even wear pants? I mean, I’m sure they do now, but the traditional image is a cassock or something, isn’t it? I admit that “Friar, Friar, Vestments on Fire!” doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.”
Baby It’s “Coal” Outside!
“Really? This was the nail polish you were so excited about that you busted out the exclamation point?
Here’s an idea: if you only have enough currency at the Punctuation Store to pick out one present for yourself, how about investing in a comma? I know, it doesn’t have the flash of an exclamation point, but the upside is that you will look a lot less like an idiot, with the pleasant side-effect of being grammatically correct.”
Uh-oh Roll Down The Window
“Too late, this nail polish name already made me vomit.”
Fiji Weejee Fawn
“I just…I just don’t even. What is this? I would accuse this bizarre and incomprehensible name of being selected by the world’s least propitious random noun generator, but that would be far too generous considering that an entire third of this name is not in fact a noun and is not, so far as I can tell, even a word at all.”
(And my personal favorite…) Princesses Rule!
“I’m pretty sure that, by definition, they don’t.”
A few BONUS names:
Catherine The Grape
Vould U Like A Lick-tenstein?
Don’t Socra-tease Me!
Like what you read? Make sure to check out the SNPN blog for the full commentaries. The last post was made in August of 2014, but here’s to hoping that it becomes active again someday!